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家庭秘密:我想穿我女朋友的衣服

时间:2011-01-13 15:01 点击:
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从外表上看,我是一个23岁的正常的男人。我有英俊的外表、聪明的头脑,并且在PR有一个好工作,以及一个固定的女朋友,我们已经约会了2年多了。我出身于一个中产阶级家庭,有善良的父母和可爱的妹妹。我很坦诚,但是我有一个大秘密。

在我还是一个小孩子的时候,我经常试穿妈妈的衣服。当我穿这妈妈的鞋子拖着脚走路的时候,她感到很好笑。这是大多数孩子小时候常干的事。但是当我到了15岁的时候,每当妹妹不在家时,我都会打开她的衣橱、穿上她的衣服。我穿上她的高跟鞋在卧室里踉踉跄跄地行走,并对这镜子偷瞥自己的形象。我特别喜欢迷你裙,这给我带来了极大的性刺激。我始终小心的把她的衣服换下来放回到原处,因此她没有产生过任何怀疑。这一切似乎没有什么害处。最终我穿上了她的内衣裤。我喜欢她的内裤紧紧包在身上,尤其是那种窄条内裤。我也戴上她的胸罩,并且最喜欢黑色的。有时候我戴着胸罩、穿上内裤和高跟鞋在卧室里趾高气扬地走来走去。我一直害怕她会突然进来,但是这增加了刺激。

慢慢地我自己得到了全套服装。我很喜欢进商店去买这些衣服,店员认为我在给我女朋友买衣服,感到很有趣。

我从来没有感到我是同性恋。我一直喜欢女性,在我21岁的时候,我遇到了Samantha,并坠入爱河。我总在想,我有了固定的女朋友,我喜欢打扮的习惯将会改变。

但是事情并没有像那样。虽然我们有和谐的性关系,但是老习惯还是回来了。现在我甚至开始化妆。我买来长长的金色假发来配我的套装。我顽强地试图抵制这种诱惑,但是这实在是太强烈了。我能在短时间内抵制这种欲望,但最终还是屈服了。如果在一周内我不能够沉湎于这种装扮2次,我就会感到很郁闷。在我独自在家时,我常做这种事。通常是花10分钟来准备,然后尽可能长时间地穿上这些衣服。我喜欢穿上这些衣服仍然能够在房间内正常做事情的感觉。

在开始的时候,有一两件衣服就足够了,现在则需要整套衣服加上化妆品和假发才能满足。看着穿上女装的自己真是一个吸引人的人,一个接下来能让我与Samantha发生性关系的人。

这个时候我正住在家里,但是Samantha和我已经买了一套只有一间卧室的住房,并且预计2个月内入住。一想到她将发现我的 “另类生活”,我就感到害怕。我将把我的那些衣服放在哪里呢?我们只有一个衣橱。我幻想着在她外出的时候我可以穿她的衣服,这将加重负疚感。另一种方法是坦白,但是我不想失去她。我知道它很难理解这些,她的一个朋友的男朋友有 “性虐待癖”,对此她动辄就加以谴责。

我想继续保持我的习惯。我想这不至于影响到我的性爱关系,但是这个秘密成为了一种负担。有一次我把这些告诉了我的一个关系好的女性朋友,但她并没有把这当真。我希望知道其他那些喜欢穿异性衣服的人的情况,以便得到一些支持。我也尝试着认知行为疗法,但是指导顾问仅给我一些策略,让我重新调整心理,改变我的习惯。事实是,我不想改变这些,因为我从穿异性衣服上得到了极大的乐趣。这是对我和Samantha性爱的补充,我不想放弃。但是我也不想对我所爱的人保守秘密。我不敢想象她对我保守秘密将会怎样。

穿异性的衣服本身没有错,使我苦恼的是不能够与我所爱的人一起分享对于我来说是十分重要的事情。现在每当我走出家门时也有一种要“打扮”的欲望。我喜欢进女性服装店,我害怕有一天我将向这种欲望屈服。我偶然也逛女性内衣店,当然那是偷偷的。但是我担心我穿异性衣服的状况将一发不可收拾,而被别人发现。我从来没有被抓住过,但是也有一些失误。一次我妹妹看见我在翻她的内衣抽屉,我就借口说妈妈把我的男式短内裤错放在那里了。我真的很害怕Samantha发现这些,但是我认为这是迟早的事.

译文:Family secrets: I want to wear my girlfriend's clothes

On the surface I'm a “normal” 23-year-old man. I am good-looking, intelligent,have a good job in PR and a regular girlfriend who I've been dating for twoyears. I come from a middle-class family: kind parents and a lovely sister.Generally I'm open and honest but I have one big secret.


When I was a small child I used to try on my mum's clothes. She found it funnywhen I shuffled around in her shoes. Most kids do that when they are little.But when I was about 15 I began to go into my sister's wardrobe when she wasout and put on her clothes. I'd put on her high heels and totter around thebedroom, catching glimpses of myself in the mirror. I particularly enjoyedthe miniskirts. This gave me quite a sexual thrill. I was always careful toreplace her clothes in exactly the same place so that she wouldn't suspect.It all seemed quite harmless. Then I graduated to her underwear. I lovedsqueezing into her knickers, especially the thongs. Also I would put on herbras; black was best. Sometimes I'd strut around the bedroom in bra, thongand high heels. I was always terrified that she would come in, but thisadded to the excitement.

Gradually I've acquired my own outfits. I enjoy going into shops to buy them.The assistants assume that I'm buying something for my girlfriend, whichadds to the fun.

I'd never felt that I was gay. I'd always been attracted to women. When I was21 I met Samantha and fell in love. Somehow I thought that when I had asteady girlfriend my urge to “dress up” would disappear.

But it hasn't worked out like that. Even though we have a good sexualrelationship, the old habit has crept back. Now I even wear make-up and I'vebought a long blond wig to complement my outfits. I tried hard to resist thetemptation but it's too strong; I can fight the urge for a short time, butalways end up giving in. I actually feel very frustrated if I can't indulgein a dressing-up session at least twice a week. This usually happens when Iam in the house alone. It takes about ten minutes to get ready and I wearthe clothes for as long as I can. I like to feel that I can carry on doingnormal things around the house while dressed up.

When I started just a few clothes would be enough; now I need the whole outfitwith make-up and wig to feel satisfied. Seeing myself in female clothes is areal turn-on, one that I can then carry into my sexual relationship withSamantha.

At the moment I am living at home but Samantha and I have bought a one-bedroomflat together and are due to move in there in two months' time. The thoughtthat she will discover my “other life” terrifies me. And where will I keepmy gear? We have only one wardrobe. I imagine that I will start to use herclothes while she is out, and the guilt will be dreadful. The alternative isto confess, but I don't want to lose her. I know she would find it difficultto understand as a friend of hers had a boyfriend who practised “bondage”and she was very judgmental of that.

Ideally I'd like to carry on with my habit. I'd like to think that it won'taffect my relationship, but the secret is becoming a burden. I once told aclose female friend, but she didn't take me seriously. I wish I knew othercross-dressers so that I could get some support. I've tried cognitivebehaviour therapy, but the counsellor just gave me strategies to get me toreframe my thinking and change my habit. The fact is, I don't want to changebecause I get so much pleasure out of cross-dressing. It complements the sexI have with Samantha, which I don't want to give up either. But nor do Iwant to keep a secret from the person I love. I'd hate to think that she hadsecrets from me.

The cross-dressing itself doesn't feel wrong; what eats away at me is notbeing able share something that is so important to me with the person Ilove. I'm also now feeling the urge to “dress up” away from home. I'd loveto go out in women's clothes and I'm frightened that one day I'll give in tothis desire. Occasionally I do go out in women's underwear which, of course,is hidden but I worry that my cross-dressing may escalate and I'll be foundout. I've never been caught but I've had a few near misses. Once my sistersaw me looking in her underwear drawer and I pretended that mum had put myboxer shorts in there by mistake. I'm really fearful about Samantha findingout, but I think that this is inevitable as time goes on.

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